Tenebrosity - The Stages Before Suicide!


It was a lazy afternoon when I started getting goosebumps all of a sudden. It was raining outside and the fan was spinning over my head, it was cold. I thought to myself what if the motion of the fan spins inside my head. It never feels cold but the thought gave me goosebumps. My name is Rajesh and I would love to tell a tale of 2 people living inside my body. One person loves life and the other wants to die. This dilemma is constant, scary and disturbing because I am a creative person. Any thought of death or suicide would make me write the second part of this article and if not then possible someone might sign on my death certificate. There are few people who experience the other guy living inside you and some might be lucky to escape the clutches of death. I don't know if I am an unfortunate or a fortunate soul but I would like to tell my experience so that if you feel suicidal, you'll not feel left out.

The silent surrounding with a sweet whisper calling you to follow the path of death is not new to many but what if you really feel and experience it. Our brain is so chaotic that it follows the rules of a demon inside but not the guardian angel. A voice running constantly in my head saying jump, stab, chop, die etc is not only scary but it's stupid. I mean, I know that the voice is not real but still I tend to follow it. That is where the battle between good and evil begins. For example, you are on top of a beautiful mountain. You feel the beauty of life on the edge of that cliff but a voice deep within will ask you to jump! That second if you lose your consciousness, you are no more. That battle between the good and the evil becomes deadly and you are frozen in time on a cliff. One wrong move, bye-bye to life. I have battled many rounds with many things in life, like a train, tablets and even cockroach killer but the good side won the battle.

So what do you feel exactly? Well, it happens without my consciousness. I will be sleeping and suddenly someone wakes me up. A dark figure calling me to a place, for the first few times, I did follow him but then I realized that I am hallucinating. He takes me to the terrace and then he flies. So your brain is telling you to jump but your consciousness or your common sense just stops you from doing it. Other times you are standing on the top of a building, and a silent whisper tells you to jump. The cockroach spray scene was weird. I was killing some of the cockroaches using this spray and suddenly a thought came to try the spray. I stood with the spray thinking about if I should try or not, not even realizing that it would kill me. It took me half an hour to realize and say no. I feel many different sensations, like why not try poison to what happens if I die? Ya, many do have this sensation but it's very strong to me. The sense of consciousness helps me and saves me every time. I think the key to overcoming this is a sense of consciousness and happiness. I mean, I find happiness by giving happiness to others, what is yours? Identify that first.

So what is the solution to decrease this? Many were told to share their feeling, many were told to trust in others and many other were just told not to think about death. Trust me, at least for me nothing has worked. I mean come on, we don't think about death, it automatically comes. So how am I alive? well! It is because I am living in the world of reality with a sense of consciousness that wants to live and not die. Please make note that the points many people advise might work but for my philosophy of life, I don't feel it is right to take the help of another eye coz you are blind. I have many friends, who understand me and who talk to me every day. Or in the sense of checking if I am still alive. But I can't share everything with them. I am a person who believes in sharing happiness, therefore, I think I don't like to share something bad with anyone. Hilariously being a psychology student, I have spoken to many and I have made them better but I don't know, I can't take anyone's help. Am I egoistic? Do I think I am superior? I don't know but I feel that I can live my life without discussing something which I experience. Even now, the only reason I am writing this is to help people who are undergoing the same pain every day thinking they are the only ones feeling suicidal.

A word of advice to all those people who are thinking about suicide. That second of your life if you pass then you have a wonderful future ahead. Today many die because of many reasons but I am sure when they are just seconds away from death everyone regrets their decision. I feel like dying too because I didn't have happiness in life but now, I only give happiness to people who make me happy. Helping others who are facing physical or emotional disasters and making them come out of it. Anyone who is feeling lonely and want to die? Contact me! Let us live life happily coz you have only once to live or to die!

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