Waking
up in the morning with a smile is a fantasy to me, because I don’t wake up seeing
beautiful things in life or have a beautiful life to live. However Dr. Anand doesn’t
think that way. He believes that my inner consciousness is more powerful than
the mind I am currently residing in. Of-course he knows better about schizophrenia
than me but the known fact is that schizophrenia is incurable. For the people
who are reading my diary should understand that the story you are reading is
about me and my name is Jaiesh. I am one in a hundred because I am
schizophrenic and exclusive. The only thing different between me and the
99 others are that the others can’t tell the difference between positive and
negative but I can. My positivity is experiencing hallucinations (Usually called
as day dreaming) and negativity is that I lack in motivation. A normal man do
have these characteristics but the difference is that I call these behaviors as a disease and they call themselves as perfect. Frankly, I don’t feel
anything bad about my disease because I don’t hurt anyone physically or
mentally. I do have some bad qualities like suicidal tendencies
makes me go crazy at times but my hallucinations brings me back on track and that
is the reason I why called hallucination as positive.Think again, how many of
you have dreams? How many of you dream while you are awake? Almost everyone? Well!
The difference is that I live those dreams right then and there.
I used
to have a beautiful friend in college, I used to love her a lot but things got
out of hand and she married someone else. I got used to rejections but that didn’t
stop me from making her appear in front of my eyes. The only problem I faced in
life is to understand the minds of the common public. Sometimes I feel what I
am seeing is genuine and sometimes I feel what they are seeing is real. Think
about it, world has too many mysteries and who knows whose right is right. I might be
seeing something real which you might not able to see. But deep inside these confusions,
I also have two types of people living inside me. As I said previously, one is a dreamer
and the other is a destroyer. The
reality between two of them are genuine and sometimes scary. A battle between two sentiments echoes in my brain constantly. I am sure, everyone would have faced
similar kind of confusions in their lives but it’s for our good. We tend to
change our behaviors accordingly and the life moves on, but in my case, I can’t
change anything. To give you specific details, I think I should tell you a
small story of a couple.
Once
upon a time, in Madhya Pradesh a cute girl fell in love with a handsome young
gentleman from Kashmir. They both married and things started to change, priorities
became the core of their relationship. The things went on and one day they
decide to split up, and they did. I am
not like them, because they are normal but I am like their child, confused
between a mother’s heart and father’s brain. Lost in the world of fantasy yet
afraid to move ahead. A lost soul don't know what to do or where to go.
I think by this time, you would have understood why I am taking
my time to write this. You guessed it right, this would be my last day on this
earth. I am proud of myself that I am not a normal guy like you. I think, this
is my shortest story of life, maybe in the next life I might continue writing
this book again. Who knows I might reappear tomorrow and tell the same tale on
the next page like I did on my previous pages.
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